good and evil in me

i think i've become the person i have because it was more important to me to Not Become what i feared i might than to Become what i hoped.
what i feared was the path that made, for example, the 23 people i interacted with yesterday- the path of horrible ignorance, supplication to the capitalist gods, abject intellectual immolation in the perfectly engrossing fires of (you peoples') society. horrors! succumbing would have meant Bad (if not Evil).
[i can't help but regard Evil-as-result-of-ignorance as Evil. it's a wholly separate point, but one which is, i hope, pretty obvious.]
what i hoped, the truly good, was a path of intense pain, righteous suffering, antisocial and unrewarding Goodness in the face of a world of Bad (if not Evil)- a bit less horrific (i suppose), but so fearsome, for one with any emotional ties to the plebe culture, as to be virtually unattainable for an emotional/moral/intellectual weakling like me. (how long has it been since a moral god walked amongst men? i'm sure i'm not alone, here.) succeeding would have meant good, if not Good. i just haven't been good enough.
so i might not have Become much, but at least i'm Not Bad. so, yeah. i'm a pussy weakling.

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