the most important part

it's not nice, when i don't have the slightest idea what's going on in the most important parts of my life. when i can't tell whether i'm stepping over a sidewalk crack or on the edge of a vast crevasse with my death spelled out in the bottomlessness.
chocolate cake... i love chocolate cake
embracing the ignorance, i close my eyes and bury my head in the sand. and fucking Hate it.


driving cars

i occasionally get to drive a car.
what is it in people's minds that makes them... far less polite... when driving cars?
i watched today, stopped in my mom's car, at an intersection with a stoplight, while a couple of dozen cars drove through, all in nice line, ignoring the person stopped in a car, several cars in front of mine, with his left turn signal on. eventually, of course, the stoplight turned red again, traffic briefly stopped, and the car in the front of the line i was in moved off to the left. it didn't Startle me, but i thought it was interesting.
the car behind that one (the one that got to turn, after the light had changed back to red), also had a left-turn signal on, and i got to watch while several dozen more cars flowed through the intersection, preventing his left turn.
i wasn't anxious, and i'm perfectly happy, while seated in the relative comfort of a car, listening to music, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a coffee, to sit there with my foot on the clutch for hours, i guess. fuck, anything beats standing at an open bus stop in the rain when it's 20* F. so, whatever.
FIRST! what possesses people to NOT let that guy, who clearly wants to turn his car and cross through the intersection to the left, do so? can they not spare the 1 1/2 seconds?
SECOND! why doesn't that guy, sitting in that car, intent on turning his car left, just fucking GO once that light turns green? is is his reaction time really so much slower that he can't risk the incident? people, stopped at lights, can't possibly be THAT self-obsessed that they'd really deliberately accelerate quickly to prevent him. i suppose. unless they're typical fat, self-obsessed, anti-human, thoughtless americans, i mean. and how many of those could there possibly be?
THIRD! when _i_ drive a car, that turn signal has a purpose. it means i intend to move the car in that direction. it doesn't mean, "may i please move this car in this direction". it means i am going to move the car in that direction. if yours is there, it is going to feel the bump.



i like to read tech and gadget sites and reviews and news.
i have no interest, at all, in ipod, iphone, or ipad reviews, gadgets, accessories, or news.
so i must disregard about half of all that i see on any of those sites.


How To Lose Weight Without Changing Your Eating Habits

this will work for you, if you're a Fat American:
When you decide you need the quarter-pounder, fries and a coke, don't sit on your ass in the car and order it through a window. Park the car and walk the 100 feet to a counter inside. yeah, i know it smells bad in there, but that's the smell of the food you're planning to eat.
Better yet, as there's a fast food joint approximately every mile and a half, in the U.S., it's not unrealistic to consider walking that distance rather than driving your car at all.
just an idea.



i'm really into how, when i watch the television, i get to see people and things in every conceivable shape (sometimes even including their "actual" shapes). as i switch channels, the population onscreen goes from trippy-looking endomorphs to beanpoles, or vice-versa, and back again. squares transmute randomly into rectangles. circles and ovals are interchangeable.
it's especially cool with program transitions and advertising: as a program transitions to a commercial, the people on screen often go from being basically human-shaped to being those crazy-looking three-foot-wide people; when the next commercial comes on, the people i see may become "normal" human shaped again, only to be replaced by the squat-people again 30 seconds later. i never even had to touch the remote-control!
i've concluded that my perception of "normal" human shape -(what i see when i walk outside is generally a population of significantly-wider-around-the-waist-than-me people. i assume they're "normal" human shape)- must be all screwed up, and my took-lots-and-lots-of-hallucinogenics brain sorta falsely believes in consistent geometry.
i am particularly glad that broad- and cable-casters--and media distributors-- don't make any effort to impose harsh, false, and UNCONSTITUTIONAL euclidean law on the true reality i see on that screen.
the television is clearly Metatron.


Palm Pilot

my Palm died. my (is "old" the right word?) little handheld... :-(
i've had one since Dad gave me the Palm 3 in the mid-nineties, with periodic upgrades and replacements. i've lived with it as my surrogate memory. (my brain damage is even more pronounced than most of my acquaintances might realize.) since the arrival of the mobile web, i've used it a lot less for "office"-type stuff, but it's still perfect for reading books (and yes, i'm accustomed to reading on it, and prefer it. :-P ), browsing the web (via WiFi), and very occasionally listening to mp3s or looking at pictures or videos.
now i've got to replace it, but they don't really sell handhelds anymore, do they? there are phones, of course, but i'm not interested in spending five hundred dollars (about $500 over my budget) for the reward of then paying, like, a hundred dollars a month (about $60 more than i'm paying now, and $100 over my budget) for the ability to look at the web and read books. i won't pay any more than $0.00 a month, to read, listen to, and look at the shit i already have. the way-cool bit about a Palm is: it doesn't cost anything to use. once i bought it, it became mine, fee-less. radical concept. the e-book readers do look cool, but
they can't run zillions of available (freeware) programs to do whatever i want them to.
i guess i'll carry the calculator, calendar, several books and photo albums and CDs, and my "boom box" in my shoulder bag, until i find a solution... probably an Android tablet...


deliberate phone piss-offs

things my phones have been deliberately designed to do, just to piss me off:
  1. try to coerce me to capitalize Shit That doesn't Need to be Capitalized.
  2. prevent me from using any ring tone i damned well feel like using
  3. use proprietary ports to charge the battery
  4. force a noise to alert when i shoot a picture


twelve-oh-one and the dork(s)

Some Times, opening yer eyes in the morning is a total Woo-Hoo :-)
then, the next day, there's significantly less Woo-Hoo involved, so ya crawl under the bed and cry, while cutting yerself with a dull and filthy kitchen knife (the one ya keep hidden in the back tank of the toilet), scanning a completely blurred, scrawled, illegible map of tomorrows' Woo-Hoo eye-openings, and considering in yer mind the ingredients required for a nice human-sacrificial blood magic to shift the shape of time and space to yer advantage...
but only sometimes. sometimes ya just blog the thought and fantasize that that's what ya'd be doing if ya had half an imagination and a more romantic outlook (not the butterflies-and-daffodils kind).
hello... Hello?
damned gods and their draconic calm and patience... (seven YEARS? twenty-four? ha-HA!)
veruca salt!



you don't even know what's down there!
    i can hear the crashing waves...
the waters are rough!
    maybe, on the surface...
you can't see how deep it goes; you could shatter on the shallow bottom!
    with eyes closed, i can feel how deep this way goes...
for what purpose? your adventure, risk, for what good end?
    for rumors of Unimaginable Treasures, in the depths below...
there are Monsters in the depths!
    some monsters are ten inches tall, with fluffy tails and floppy ears...
and some monsters are twelve feet long, with vicious fangs and barbed tails!
    then the glory of the battle is greater, even if at long odds, for the kind of treasures i secretly know...
imaginary or unreachable treasures!
    here is the beginning of a trail...
the trails of bread crumbs lead to a thousands different lairs of a thousands different disappointments and a thousands different tortures!
    sometimes the Way is so clear even my dim little light can find it...
but how deep can your light go?
    i have no fear. i can find my way to the bottoms of the worlds...
if the path is so long, you will never return!
    not as the same man...
    i never have...


quotes, page two

"You know time used to be just fine until they put that damn sundial in the public square. And now that that sundial is there the days are getting faster and faster."
- a greek philosopher, quoted By Lucrezia Cuen on ABCNEWS.com

"My dad was a drunk, a gambler, and a womanizer. I worshipped him."
- John Travolta in The General's Daughter

"...because the Beermeisters had the door open for ten minutes!"
- Cheryl Rampone, 99.12.24  20:25

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; and where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
- prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

"didn't we embarrass you into getting deodorant? And you putting it on in the mall, that was tasteless tasteful."
- Eric Darling, 2000.01.01 1:39

"Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you... Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it. as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question... Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use."
- Carlos Castaneda, in The Teachings of Don Juan

"Today, we all boil slowly in the pot of life."
- Art Bell, Monday 2002.01.28

- Robert Anton Wilson, www.rawilson.com


quotes, page one

"When Hitler came for the Jews... I was not a Jew, therefore, I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the Catholics, I was not a Catholic, and therefore, I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the unions and the industrialists, I was not a member of the unions and I was not concerned. Then, Hitler attacked me and the Protestant church — and there was nobody left to be concerned."
- Pastor Martin Niemoller, Congressional Record, October 14, 1968, vol. 114, p. 31636.

"Oh, this is going to be cute: meeting her parents half in the bag..."
- Shawn Darling, 9907.05

"Coasters, guys!"
- Eric Darling, 9907.08

"Think what you want, but say/do the right thing."
- Dad (Gil Fonseca), many times

"How long have philosophers warned us that autocratic, stupid, and gratuitous legislation- speed limits, gun control, alcohol and drug prohibition, confiscatory taxes, seizure decrees, environmental edicts, "health and safety" measures- nourish a people's contempt for law and order?"
- Culture of Harmlessness by L. Neil Smith Special to the Libertarian Enterprise

"If a girl doesn't like me because I'm not wearing $150 jeans, then Fuck You"
- Sean Glynn, 9909.25 @ 1:27

"...although I feel that I know a tremendous lot, I am not yet aware how much there is in the world to find out about. It will take me a little time to discover whether I am very wise or very foolish."
- Jack Pumpkinhead in The Land of Oz

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- H.L. Mencken, quoted by Art Bell

"Only an idiot thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about!"
- The Hudsucker Proxy

"There is no gravity, the world just sucks."
- Player, posted on usenet

"Why, if you are angry because you want to do magical things and can't, and if you don't want to get angry at all, my advice is not to want to do magical things."
- the Nome King's chief counselor to the Nome King in The Emerald City of Oz

i like:

I like:
  • being "flashed"
  • A beer in a "coozy"
  • Projects coming together
  • Gray skies & light rain
  • Black things
  • Clean clothes


chocolate cake.

chocolate cake is the best. the absolute best. i'm not consumed with acquiring it, and i'm never "in the market" to buy some, so don't come calling. but once i've got my hands on it/ my mouth in it, mmmm!!!
i walk around every day, surrounded by vanilla, cherry, coffee cakes... i never look twice. sometimes i spy chocolate... get close enough... and it's clearly just a plain white cake with some brown-colored frosting :-( that's rare though.
occasionally i'll have a bite of plain white cake. it's often an i-was-drunk event, and i sometimes have regretted it: blood sugar and all. yeah, it might have tasted ok, nice and sweet or whatever, but it's usually been just a blaring siren calling my attention to the fact that there ain't any chocolate cake for miles around.
i've bought some chocolate cakes.
a few times, i've loved the first couple of pieces, then looked down to realize it was really half my imagination- i was really eating some kind of marble cake or something, and that really kills the pleasure. i've even (ridiculous as it sounds) felt guilty for losing my interest- it was decent cake... what? am i going to toss it out just because it isn't chocolate cake? yeah.
a few times, after the first few pieces, the cakes have gone bad! huh? how does a cake go bad? that quickly? never understood that. i could understand a cake going bad, if it's there for a long while. if it just sits there in the fridge forever, but damn! i was eating that! how'd it go bad under my nose?
but most times, the best cakes have vanished from the refrigerator. like, gone. i know i didn't finish those: damn, i only got to have a couple of pieces. what happened? fucking late-night-chocolate-cake burglars. bastards. well, i don't know. maybe it grew legs and walked off? maybe it dissolved into the atmosphere? that's been a possibility a couple of times, but a few other times, i know it couldn't have been the case, because i saw the damned thing, my teeth-marks and all, somewhere after the fact. and just try asking a fucking chocolate cake what the hells happened! they aren't very communicative ;-) damned inanimate objects and their lack-of-communication powers.
not that i've had a whole lot of chocolate cake. tons of other kinds, but only a couple of chocolate cakes. why is it so damned rare? am i the weirdo? (that's not a question! it's rhetorical!) why do so few love it?
i have seen pristine cakes. naturally, i've become a bit of a connoisseur of chocolate cakes, and, at least i think, i can tell a perfect chocolate cake from an imperfect something-else cake. don't bet on me though. but i've seen perfect cakes from a distance. sometimes, i'd even swear they were calling to me... "matt, come to me! i am perfect chocolate cake! consume me..." but it's an illusion, a mirage... or i get up close and it's behind glass, preventing me from getting at the damned thing...
once, recently- there was a really awesome-looking chocolate cake, like a chocolate cake i had some sort of ancient anamnesis about- i swear to gods, i'm not making this up: it had a little placard stuck in the top, saying "matt, this might just be the best cake you ever had!". and they wouldn't sell the damned thing to me. they even pulled out the little sign, when i asked about it. i can still see the fucking thing, in a window down the street, when i pass by. i can still see the little holes, where the stick with the little sign was stuck into the top of it. the door's always locked, and they don't answer the bell. well- once, they did, but i didn't really understand what they were saying. which is weird, because their english had been perfect, previously... that really sucks.
so i walked over to the store a little while ago, and there were a couple of  looked-like-white-bundt-cakes along the way. they looked pretty tasty, i guess. i'd have some, if i'd been served some at a table, i suppose, but i certainly wouldn't buy one. nah, i think even then, i'd say "no thanks". i've said "no thanks" to more not-chocolate cakes... don't remember any of them, unless they were really awesome-looking-but-still-not-chocolate cakes, or else really icky-looking things i can't imagine anyone would want to eat... why is there so much everything-but chocolate cake, in the world? and why do people keep trying to serve/sell it to me? jerks. no, i guess everyone's got their own tastes. i can't blame them.
it's not so bad, as long as i don't think about it much. it's not like i'm a chocolate-cake-oholic. i certainly don't need it. i'm pretty cool with cookies, i guess. they're available on the internet, pretty cheap.


i've been consumed, this last week or so, with how damned good i've looked. walking down the street, i've been genuinely getting a little anxious for any upcoming glass windows in which i know i'll be able to see my reflection. i just spent 5 minutes, just looking into the mirror in my bedroom.
i feel no shame!
but, damn, my standards are low!


why i like numbers

with numbers, everything sums to unity... even if the unity is irrational, it's still a unity.
if i do a problem, i can retrace each step and see exactly whether i got it right. if i fuck it up, i can review and find my error, and even fix it.
in the walking-down-the-street world, with people and music and thoughts and old-friends and wants and drunks-at-the-bar and roommates and bosses and pretty-girls-downtown, it's so often almost impossible to tell... did i misunderstand the input? were the premises the input was based on wrong? did i perform a step, in the "formula", incorrectly? was the "formula" itself just inappropriate? is it the left pocket? the right pocket? no pocket at all? did i leave it on a rock, twenty-something years ago? is it under a pillow, waiting for me to find it if i look hard enough?
maybe the universe needs more psychedelics?
i'll just fix a martini.


several times this week, walking up Newport Avenue, i passed this:
and thought i'd come across some rather disgusting roadkill. once i got within a few feet, i could tell i hadn't. :-(
oh well.


sometimes, i...

sometimes, i
  1. look at someone's computer, but can't find anything wrong with it (heyyy, that's an easy fix!) [@A. Heidi]
  2. look at someone's computer, then look in my bag, and realize i brought everything but the one thing i need to correct the problem :-( [again, @A. Heidi]
  3. get jealous- i'd really like to hear the conversation that went along while the girls made, say for example, a penis cake [@Smeg/Melissa]
  4. want to smack someone for (inadvertently) teasing me with cadbury eggs. mmm. when i die, in a sugar coma, just after Easter, the culprit's initials were SJH [@Shay]
  5. volunteer to work a night, half an hour before i get a facebook notice that a dear friend has a show, that night [@Tania, @Greg (>Douglas)]


sometimes, i...

sometimes, i
  1. make plans, forget to journal them, forget what they were, and send out a torrent of messages the next day saying "when were we gonna _?", and "hey, were we gonna _ today?" [@Shay, @Meg, @Rob, @A. Nancy, ..., ..., ...]
  2. long for pancakes, but i've never made them, so i go to the breakfast place, a block away- and it sucks if it's a Sunday, because, then, the place is packed and noisy-in-a-not-so-good way [@Shay]
  3. drink too much too early, and later regret it: if i were capable of "embarrassment", i'd feel it: wtf did i say? did i really do that? (the tech era is both a blessing and a curse: in times past, i could've hoped i just misremembered, and maybe suffered some friends' reminders. whereas nowadays, there's often a txt msg/email msg/call log/somebody's cameraphone record- ugh.) [@Semple, @(most of the O.G.), @Angela, @John, @Laura, @Steven, @Heidi, @Lyndsy, @Diane, @Meg, @(who am i kidding? @everybody!)
  4. switch too quickly between three books during a day- i'm always reading some fiction and some non-fiction, and then there's the audio book for when i'm busy walking/riding/cooking/etc. maybe i'm easily muddled? do people who watch tv feel that way, when their stories change each hour? [@Rae]
  5. can really dig spending an entire day, sitting on the porch reading a book (or three, as previously mentioned :-P), listening to music.
  6. can be made to feel really nice, because of what i know is completely irrelevant self-brain-teasing. [@Rick M., @the dark-haired chick at Murphy's (name? haha, q.v. #3)]
  7. deliberately lose pages with names and phone numbers. [q.v. #3, #5]
  8. wear headphones and pretend not to hear strangers trying to talk to me. [@everyone who rides the bus, especially]
  9. sit at the computer for a little while on a beautiful day, when i ought to be out accomplishing some fun-ness, because there's something i've got to record before it slips my mind, then that something turns into a monster list of somethings before i can stop myself, and the