from Article 1:
Section 3:
"No person shall be a Senator who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty Years, and... be a rich old straight white short-haired christian man in a neck-tie, except that maybe 5% of them may except any one of these requirements, a few may except two, and only one may except more..."
[there are virtually identical little-known lines in Article 1, Section 2- The House, and Article 2, Section 1- The President]
Section 6:
"The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services... this compensation shall be at least five times the public median income..." [later modified by Amendment 27: "No law, varying the compensation... shall take effect, until an election... shall have intervened... and they all shall have been reelected, anyway..."]
Section 8:
"The Congress shall have Power...
"To create a national police force..."
"To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures... and to give this power out freely to independant, unanswerable capitalists..."
"To create vast, impenetrable, Kafka-esque bureaucracies at will..."
"To define words, and to regard natural consensus definitions with disregard..."
"To make illegal particular crops, when such crops are distasteful to someone's great-grandmother or mildly retarded co-worker, or otherwise bring relief to the ill or give pleasure to the mildly sad..."
"To forbid life-saving medications to the people, unless they pay some other old straight white christian man in a neck-tie some money for permission..."
"To recognize non-human, non-physical, amorphous, conceptual phantasms as legal entities, and do business with them, and sometimes give them piles of money for nothing..."
"To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes... and this shall affirm the Congress's authority to do absolutely anything it wants, without regard for other explicit or implicit limitations..."
"To mandate minimum but sub-minimal pay-rates and health insurance benefits and mandatory collections for a federally-controlled retirement account for labor..."
Section 9:
"No Law passed by Congress shall be written in natural english, such that any normal citizen might understand it..."
Section 10:
"No State shall, without the Consent of Congress... keep Troops, ... enter into any Agreement or Compact with another State, or with a foreign Power... except when dealing with native american tribes when they want to build a casino or open a smoke shop..."
from Article 4:
Section 1:"Full Faith and Credit shall be given in each State... but not in the federal government... to the public Acts, Records, and judicial Proceedings of every other State. And the Congress may by general Laws prescribe the Manner in which such Acts, Records and Proceedings shall be proved, and the Effect thereof..., and whether or not they're quite socially conservative and segregationist enough to warrant acceptance and legal federal protection..."
from the Amendments:
Amendment 1:"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion... but may inscribe the titles of supernatural entities on any federal properties or money..., or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech... except via fines imposed on public-airwaves-broadcasters by unelected officials..., or of the press... unless there are boobies involved...; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble... as long as they're willing to do it miles away, behind cordons, surrounded by tear-gas bearing police..., and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Amendment 2:
"A well regulated Militia... self-protection, hunting, gang-related shootings, high-school massacres, and nut-job assassins..., being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed... except when the state legislatures think it's ok..."
Amendment 4:
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated... unless the front door is accidentally left cracked open, or the local police can intimidate citizens into it..., and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized... unless some day they pass the Patriot Act..."
Amendment 8:
"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted... unless one is at Guantanamo..., ...and death shall not be considered cruel or unusual..."
Amendment 9:
"The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people... this amendment shall not be construed as limiting the powers of the federal government in any way..."
Amendment 10:
"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively... unless the Congress changes it's mind..., or to the people... unless a federal employee feels otherwise..."
Amendment 14:
"1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens... or non-human, non-physical, amorphous, conceptual phantasms... of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person... or non-human, non-physical, amorphous, conceptual phantasm... of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person... or non-human, non-physical, amorphous, conceptual phantasm... within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."
Amendment 15:
"The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude... unless the servitude was to the state as a consequence of growing some weed..."
Amendment 16:
"The Congress shall have power to lay... taxes... and... create an almost unanswerable agency with the authority to... collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived... but shall provide huge breaks for the most wealthy, and ensure that those non-human, non-physical, amorphous, conceptual phantasms in the top 1% pay almost nothing... "
"... The tax code shall not be written in natural english, such that any normal citizen might understand it..."
Amendment 26:
"1. The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age... other rights may be restricted as we please..."
(the first stuff i think of, while reading it. yeah, i know i missed a lot.)
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